Breakfast With Buddha And Other Insights
If you have been reading my blog lately, you know that I have just emerged from a bout of depression, the likes of which I haven’t experienced for many years. My life has changed so much in the past two years and I sometimes question whether I have made the right decisions. I walked away from the world of real estate, where the money was enormous and the egos gargantuan. I left a beautiful home on 12+ secluded waterfront acres on the Outer Banks of North Carolina and moved into a small two bedroom, one bath apartment in Sarasota, Florida that my dear friend, Joan, offered to share with me.
I am pursuing, with some success, a career as a freelance writer, but I am learning that even though writing is my passion, there are elements of this business that I don’t much like. Between freelance assignments I have continued researching and writing my book, but by the time I spiraled down into the depths of my depression earlier this week, I seriously questioned whether my book was a ridiculous folly.
I did a lot of things to get out of that depression. Yoga. Meditation. Energetic rebalancing. Acupuncture. Walking miles. Talking to friends. Praying. Aromatherapy. Letting myself sit with the pain. Too much sleep. Too little sleep. Believe it or not, I even took two aspirin and two Benadryl one night because, in addition to the depression, I had been suffering with excruciating sinus headaches (those of you who know me well know that I rarely take meds of any kind). And I sent my book off to a friend who is a talented writer for an honest review.
I realize that the depression was caused by a lot of things. The fear of running out of money before my properties sell. The fear of failure. The fear of what other people will think of me if I fail. The fear of ruining my credit. The fear that this is all happening because I have not been grateful enough for what I have been given. The fear that perhaps I have no talent as a writer, after all. Fear, fear, FEAR!
Then Joan gave me the book ‘Breakfast With Buddha‘ by Roland Merullo. My depression had already lifted a bit when I began to read it, but by the time I finished it, not only was the depression entirely gone, I was looking at the world from a different perspective. I was back to my old self; the person who knows what is really important in this world. Love. Caring. Helping others. Treating everyone around me the way I wish to be treated. Unconditional acceptance. Loving kindness. All things that don’t require money.
I realize I’ve been too hard on myself. I had a deadline for finishing the book of the end of this month and I am nowhere near done. Writing the book has turned out to be so much harder than I expected. In some ways, it is writing itself. It has gone in a direction that I could not have anticipated and it is a better story for the diversion. But it is going to take much longer to complete than the end of this month, and that is OK. If my real estate does not sell and I run out of money, so be it. I had the big house and all the material things I ever wanted and they never made me happy. In my heart I know that what other people think of me is none of my business; I must be true to myself, rather than making decisions based on the opinions of others.
I cannot say I am completely happy. What I can say is that I am on the path to inner peace, contentment, and happiness. I just have to put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing, with faith that the Universe will show me the way whenever the going gets rough. And maybe read a few more books like ‘Breakfast With Buddha’, that screw my head back on straight.