You will forgive me if stray from my normal travel narrative, but I recently passed an important milestone in my life and I feel compelled to write about it. On January 24th, I celebrated my 20th anniversary of being clean and sober. It is difficult to remember how horrible my life was back then because today I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.
My descent into alcoholism and drug addiction was gradual and horrific. What started out in my early 20’s as fun – having a few drinks with friends after work each day – grew into an obsession that would not allow me to pass a bar on my way home from work. At the height of my alcoholism I was drunk all day, every day, which led me into drug addiction. Alcohol being a depressant, at some point I needed something to get me “back up” so I could drink some more. Cocaine was the solution in the beginning, but it soon was not enough, so I moved on to freebasing crack cocaine.
Frankly, I don’t know how I survived. I should be dead three times over from the things I did to my body and soul. Fortunately, I attended an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Puerto Rico one night to “support” my boyfriend, who was also a raging alcoholic. Most of that meeting is a blur, as it was conducted in Spanish. Although I speak fairly good Spanish, the talk was filled with idioms that cannot be directly translated into English. When I heard, “No te buscas las cinco patas al gato,” (don’t look for the fifth claw on the cat), I was thoroughly confused. I later learned that the Spanish saying was the equivalent of the English saying, “keep it simple.”
The following evening I attend my second meeting, this time in English. I remember every moment of it. I still shake my head when I recall an old-timer telling a newcomer to “take the cotton out of his ears and put it in his mouth.” It was good advice, if a bit brutal in its delivery. The person to whom the comment had been directed was so intent on talking about why he couldn’t get sober that he wasn’t listening to those who were trying to tell him how to do it.
I had little self-esteem in those days, which drove my drinking to a great degree. When I drank I could forget my insecurities. I did not have to deal with feelings of being “less than” if I was drunk. And I had always felt so alone, believing that no one else in the world could possibly feel what I felt. At that second meeting, I put the cotton in my mouth and listened – hard. Within minutes of people sharing their stories, I realized that everyone in the room felt the same way I did. It seemed as if I had suddenly discovered a long lost family, filled with members who understood me.
I made two statements that night: “I have no self esteem and I have no idea how to get it,” and “I don’t know if I’m really an alcoholic.” To the first, one attendee replied that he, too, had suffered from a lack of self-esteem, and while he had no magic formula, he suggested that performing esteemable acts was the best way to gain self-esteem. In answer to my second query, I had expected those present to try to convince me that I was alcoholic, but I was very wrong. The man who replied said simply, “Whether or not you’re an alcoholic, only you can say, but I can tell you one thing, you are welcome here.” Even today, 20 years later, tears well up in my eyes when I think about it.
Looking back, it’s hard to believe that I made it. Alcoholism is a difficult disease to treat. I have watched many friends come in and out of the rooms, struggling to stay sober. Many fail, and I have seen more than my fair share of people die of this disease. I am one of the lucky ones. From the night I first set foot in the rooms of AA, I have never had another drink or drug. Today I am a grateful recovering alcoholic. I am happy, but more importantly, I love myself. It did not happen overnight. I had to work hard to get rid of my low self-esteem and negative ways of thinking. Without the guidance of AA and many wonderful people in the fellowship who helped me along the way, I would never have made it.
The AA program of recovery promised that wonderful changes would occur in my life if I diligently followed their recommended program. Even though these “promises” seemed unattainable, I read them at the beginning of every meeting:
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”
Those promises, which seemed outlandish and impossible to achieve 20 years ago, have manifested in my life ten times over. Absolutely every one of them have come true for me. Never could I have imagined that I would achieve my dream of becoming a travel photographer and writer. That I would visit 65 countries and be well on my way to seeing half the countries of the world. Or that I would be interviewed for Good Morning America. Or write for Huffington Post. Or be chosen as one of the top 100 travel photographers in the world – twice! But all that and more has happened, because I finally admitted my life was out of control and became entirely willing to do whatever was necessary to recover.
Those of you who read my blog regularly know that my history of alcoholism and drug addiction is not a secret, but it is a subject on which I rarely dwell. Recently, however, I have had dealings with a number of people who are still suffering from this insidious disease. In each instance, I was struck by the depth of their negativity and inability to name even one positive thing in their lives. It was like looking at myself through a time machine, and my visceral reaction was one of gratitude that I no longer have to live that way.
The ability to be grateful in every moment has been the most important lesson of my recovery, but gratitude is often misunderstood. Living in gratefulness does not mean ignoring hardship and pretending everything is wonderful all the time. The opportunity to see gratitude in all things is perhaps explained best by Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine Monk from Austria, who says,
“Not for everything that’s given to you, can you really be grateful. You can’t be grateful for war, or violence, or domestic violence, or sickness…but in every moment you can be grateful. For instance, the opportunity to learn something from a very difficult experience, or to grow by it, or even to protest, to stand up and take a stand. That is a wonderful gift.”
Even after 20 years, I sometimes need to be reminded of the gifts I have been given, but today I need no reminder. Today, I am a grateful to the point of overflowing.
Dearest Barbara, Thank you so much for sharing. I love your pics and blogs, and love the way you write and give of yourself. Now, you are the gift to us.
Love ya!
Thanks so much Paula! I think of you often, especially now that I am back in Chiang Mai. I miss our chats and movies together, I hear you’re enjoying SMA, but a little bird told me you may be going to Turkey???? If so, we might be seeing one another again. xoxo
Congratulations dear friend!
Love you.
Thank you Ruthie! We should Skype sometime soon so I can figure out when to come see you and Keith. Love you!!
Wow, Barbara. To be honest, I had no idea of your personal background. A friend introduced me to your travel blog, and I subscribed so I could follow your beautiful travels and comments. Your story is truly inspiring. I am very proud of you (even though I don’t know you 🙂 for taking responsibility and finding the strength to fight to regain control of your life. You are a true role model for us all – regardless of the nature of our personal struggles. Thank you.
Gosh Carolin, I can’t even imagine being a role model, because I really screwed up my life for a lot of years. I so appreciate your comment, but even more than that, it just makes my heart burst with gratitude when I hear that they love reading my stories and seeing my photos. Thank you for being a loyal follower.
Dearest Barbara:
Congratulations on the landmark achievement of 20 years!
You deserve so much credit…and hugs during your ordeal. No one knows more than those dealing with alcoholism as a patient or their family. We know friends who have faced this great challenge. It is NOT easy. But you persevered and overcame.
We love your writings and it is not difficult to see where you have channeled your positive energy and we are all the better for it. Barbara, the best is yet to come.??????
LOL Jan & Gary: Every year I say the best is yet to come and it keeps coming true. I wonder sometimes how my life could be any better, but it just keeps improving. Thanks so much for your congratulations, and for reading my blog – it is much appreciated.
Respect!!
Not many can say what you just said! I see a lot of people (during my work) taking the wrong decisions day after day… They can only help them self as you did back then! It has to come into your head…the message needs to go straight to the heart…
Again! Respect!!
Thank you Jacomijn! I spent a lot of years disrespecting myself, so it’s really nice to hear that others respect me. Thanks again for taking the time to leave a comment.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life Barbara and such a wonderful, important milestone as well. To be honest with you, I always thought of you as wonderfully healthy for a lady of your age and I never knew any of the back story that got you to where you are now.
I am so happy that you shared this with us. I too am a former addict, not of a physical substance but of something else that I am too shy to publicly comment on here but it was the year 2006 when I started going into meetings on a daily basis that were based on the AA model. It took me a year to get clean and overcome my addict. Sometimes when I am under tremendous pressure I do relapse but not as often as I once did.
I too know full well the struggle with low self esteem and self love. It along with physical illness is what I in the process of conquering at the moment. I have recently come to the realization that I am enough on my own. I do not need material things, circumstances, substances or people to complete me. Even if I had none of these things, I am enough on my own and more than capable of building a life of beauty and meaning.
Much metta and many blessings to you Barbara. May you continue to be well and free of suffering 🙂
Matthew.
Oh Matthew, what a wonderful thing it is to realize that you are enough on your own. I know very well that it doesn’t happen overnight and it’s a process. But when we finally get that first glimmer, it’s the beginning of a path that leads to emotional and intellectual health. I think there are many happy days ahead for you, and if I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to visualize the life that you want, down to the smallest detail, because we really do create our own reality.
Thank you so much for your reply. It’s very kind and I’ve taken all of it to heart 🙂
Thanks for your inspiration. We love you!
Love you both too! xoxoxoxxoxoxoooxoxo
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… ‘You, my dear, are a rock star.’
And you will always be my inspiration, Evelyn 🙂 I will NEVER forget the kindness you showed me when I was just starting out.
This is a wonderful milestone – congratulations Barbara. You always seem so together to me, so accomplished, that I had no idea you had such a struggle in your background. Your story is inspiring and I\’m so pleased you were able to bring about this great change in your life. Hope to see you somewhere in the world very soon.
Hi Sarah! Gosh it would be great to meet you. Where are you headed this year – maybe we can figure out a way to do that.
Hah! That was the hole wasn’t it? Glad you explained it! Moedig!
Moedig = Brave 😉
LOL – that it was, Guido. I was in the Hague last spring, but didn’t know that’s where your hotel had been until long after I left. I promise to get in touch the next time I’m there. Would love to meet in person one day.
We will meet once indeed 😉
I truly hope so Guido!
Thank you for sharing Barbara. And congratulations on 20 years of sobriety and clarity. Your blog and example of living are esteemed acts. And the beauty of your photography adds another level of inspiration to those of us who can only dream of the world through your lense. Your truth has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you and please, continue to inspire all of us.
Hi DD: Thanks you from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to me that people enjoy my photography and writing. I’ve been teary-eyed all day, reading the many kind comments like yours.
Congratulations on 20 years, Barbara! And kudos for your bravery to share your story!
Thanks Vivian – it was a little scary, and I almost didn’t push the publish button, but now I’m so glad I did. I hope sharing my story will help others.
I also felt compelled to write to you and say SO well done! The movie “Thanks for Sharing” came to mind, I wondered if you’ve seen it? Alcohol is not my numbing technique of choice but I could to allot of what you share. May you continue to manifest in your life ALL that you deeply desire and Congratulations on 20 years!
Hi Tanya: I am so glad you were compelled to leave a comment. I was very unsure about publishing this story, but with all the positive feedback, I know it was the right thing to do. I don’t know about that movie, but I’ll certainly check it out.
Congratulations Barbara! Very inspiring and you are strong. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Lyndsay: I don’t know how strong I am. I was just beaten down so far that I gave up trying to solve things myself and started doing what I was told. And, I was very, very lucky.
Congratulations, Barbara! A very inspiring story.
Thanks for your comment Antonina. Maybe someone, somewhere, who needs to hear this story will read it.
Congrats on the 20 years. Proud of you. Your an inspiration in many ways.
Thanks so much Pete! I can say the same about you…xoxo
Congratulations! Thank you for sharing, and…inspiring!
Thank you so much Linda – I really appreciate your comment.
Congratulations Barb. I have a family member who I hope will read this when I show him. Maybe it will motivate him to take the first step.
Stay cool
Hi Butch: I wish you luck with your family member. This is an insidious disease, so keep in mind that the practicing alcoholic/addict has to WANT to change, and every person’s bottom is different. But even if they don’t want to listen, you can take solace from the fact that you have at least planted the seed.
Love you, Barbara! Some day you and I are going to share a meal together and count our blessings!
Well, let’s see if we can’t make that happen sooner rather than later, Teresa. I would love to meet up. Where will you be this year?
How generous of you to share this part of your life, Barbara. You’ve been an inspiration to a lot of people for your willingness to shed your old corporate life and take a leap of faith into a life of perpetual travel. Now we have yet another reason to admire you.
When I see the clarity and heartfelt intent of your writing, it’s hard to picture you with self esteem issues. But by sharing this, you are empowering all of us who wobble along with these same sorts of thoughts.
Blessings to you, lovely woman!
Thank you so much, Debroah! If I can help even one person, plant even one seed in the mind of a still suffering alcoholic, then everything I have done is worth it. Blessings right back at you, my friend.
Beyond our wildest dreams! Congratulations!
Yes it is, Ellie. Even I cannot grasp the wonderful things that have happened to me over the past 20 years, one of which is having you and Bill for dear friends. I will always be grateful to you for starting me out on this precious life of travel.
Congrats on the 20 years, Barbara! Thanks for sharing your story – I didn’t realise you were a fellow traveller, so to speak. I’ve been sober since 1993 and life is great.
Thanks so much James! For the congratulations, and for letting me know we are kindred spirits. One day at a time.
Barbara, I cannot imagine going through what you did, but I can relate to having low self esteem. Thanks for sharing your story here, I’m sure it’s not always so easy to do. Congrats on 20 years, and congrats on all the other wonderful achievements you’ve accomplished!
Thanks Ali, and many thanks to you for being a friend who has stuck with me over my years of figuring this blogging thing out.
Congrats Barbara, and thanks for the personal insight.
You’re welcome, Bob. I wasn’t really sure whether I should publish this story or not, but the reaction has been so positive that I’m very glad I did!
Barbara, it is always so brave of any blogger to lay themselves bare as you have done – sharing my own struggles is certainly not something I could do. So many travel bloggers are trolled for being spoilt white girls/boys out of touch with the real world. But as you have so eloquently discussed we all have our own battles and demons – and we take them on the road every day we travel and they hide in the subtext of every post we write.
I love the comment that was made to you about the way to build self esteem is by doing esteemed acts. You have been an inspiration to many female and older bloggers and this post is a VERY esteemed act that will no doubt continue to inspire, and maybe even motivate, someone who also needs a self esteem boost.
Bravo and blessings to you
I strongly adhere to Jo\’s and also to Deborah\’s words, Barbara.
This is the first time I read about these 20 years hard fight of you, and I feel so proud to follow your paragraphs -so dare, so dear- and confirm the quality of person you are; a true gift to all of us.
So thanks for that sincerity and all the best to you!
Ana.
Thank you Ana. I certainly cannot take all the credit. I did the work, but I couldn’t have stayed sober without the support of the fellowship of AA. So many people helped me along the way! You say I am a gift to all of you, but I think it is the other way around – you are all a tremendous gift to me.
Thank you SO much, Jo. Your words are very kind, and I appreciate them more than I can say.