It was my anniversary yesterday. On January 24, 1996 I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that was the last time I ever had a drink or used drugs.

The day was a little surreal for me. In some ways it felt like I just got clean and sober yesterday; in other ways it felt like it happened a hundred years ago. I was living in Puerto Rico at the time, managing a bar (great place for a drunk to work!). I was partying every night and sleeping less and less. One night, after hours of drinking and lots of coke, my heart began beating so hard I thought it was going to come right out of my chest. I broke out in a cold sweat and got up to splash some water on my face. When I glanced up into the mirror, I was shocked by my appearance. My face was pasty gray, my skin hung, and my eyes were dull and glazed over. In that instant, I knew I was going to die soon if I didn’t stop.

Flash forward 13 years. My cheeks are pink and my eyes sparkle. I am healthy and happy. My life is wonderful. I know how this happened – lots of hard work and sticking to the principles of AA – but I don’t know why. I often wonder, “Why me?” I have lost several friends to this disease when they ‘went back out.’ Other friends desperately need AA but are unwilling to admit they have a problem. I wish the program was a gift I could give, but addicts have to want it.

There is a saying in AA that is harsh but true: “Some of us have to die so the rest of us can live.” Maybe the deaths I have seen along the way have kept me sober. More likely, it is the ones who go back out that keep me sober; I’ve watched their lives become a living hell and I remember when mine was that bad.

Staying clean and sober is not an easy proposition. This disease is cunning, baffling, powerful, and above all, patient. Just today I was watching a news program about an ingredient in red wine that has anti-aging properties and may be a cure for cancer and diabetes. Using this as justification, I began thinking it would be OK to have a glass of wine each day. Fortunately, I did what I have been taught to do – I thought this action through to its ultimate consequences. I remembered what my life was like 13 years ago and compared it to my present situation. I do not wish to give up what I have today. Thirteen years of sobriety may seem a bit surreal to me, but going back to that previous lifestyle is absolutely unimaginable to me. I can’t even relate to the person I was back then. And I am eternally grateful for the person I have become and all those who have helped me along the way.

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